This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
