wrigley field is MILF paradise
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
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