Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Omg I joined a choir last night...
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