News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
