I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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