I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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