So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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