When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Randomize