Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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