I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
