dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
