marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
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