His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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