those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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