rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize