just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
