Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Randomize
