Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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