i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
