i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
