Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
She announced her abortion via fbk
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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