my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
