i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
