I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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