You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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