You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
