I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Randomize
