he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
He did a backflip because drugs
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
