My bad bro. I had no idea that when i suggested our triva team name be my last abortion tickled, that she would bring up cancun. Stay strong i think she really liked you
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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