I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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