So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
im six kinds of drunk right now
you mean i was at the winter classic?
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
