i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
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