Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
