guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i just google imaged poop.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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