remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
