You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
