I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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