Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
