gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
