That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
