just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
