look no pants
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
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