I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
