the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Randomize
