I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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