I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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