His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
