i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
