my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize