So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I have no idea where we are. But it doesn't look dirty so I don't think we are in jersey yet
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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