I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
just fyi, hangover + ice skates = really bad idea
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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