If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
