I cannot find my penis.
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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