I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I asked about his 3 inch scar on his chest. It's from when he had to castrate a bull on the estancia. Apparently this is how good bull meat is made.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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