We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
