cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Randomize
