And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
