i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
