I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
