every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Randomize
