Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
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