I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
