I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
what day is it and did you see me today?
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
